Ticket Stubs: Monsters vs Aliens

Somewhere in space, a nameless planet explodes. A giant glowing green meteor streaks out of its wreckage and straight to Earth, where it lands on bride-to-be Susan Murphy. This meteor turns Susan’s hair white, make her grow 40 feet tall, and gives her wedding dress elasticity that rivals the Hulk’s magic purple shorts. The US government captures her, sticks her with some other monsters, and then uses them to defeat a gigantic alien robot.

So, what do you get when you merge the endless possibilities of animation, a send-up to old giant monster movies, and a cast brimming with recognizable names? As far as I can tell, either a really good movie, or Monsters vs Aliens.

Alright, that was a little harsh. Monsters vs Aliens is a movie with some decent ideas, but cranks up the slapstick meter so high that it ceases to actually be funny. For me, this movie encapsulates much of what I don’t like about the latest bunch of CG animated movies – fart jokes for the kids, “clever humor” (aka references to much better movies) for the parents, and an unimaginative script holding it all together.

Susan and Link.

This is almost painful for me to write, because I have a lot of respect for most of the cast. Seth Rogen is the somewhat sentient blob, B.O.B. (it’s short for something science-y). Hugh Laurie plays the mad scientist-turned cockroach, complete with a maniacal laugh. Reese Witherspoon plays the main character of Susan. Stephen Colbert plays, who else, the President of the United States. Kiefer Sutherland is General W.R Monger (yup). Sadly, all this sounds much better than it really is in execution.

Side-note: Renee Zellweger and John Krasinski drop in for a short scene that ultimately became my favorite of the entire movie. A real send-up to 50′s horror movies, two teens (a jock and his girlfriend) are trying to make out when the alien robot lands; of course, they investigate to their own doom. What sets this apart is that the roles of the teens are completely reversed for good comedic effect.

Kaiju battle on the Golden Gate Bridge!

The one most satisfyingly developed part of Monsters vs Aliens is Susan. She goes from hoping to explore the world as “the weatherman’s wife” to being a self-empowered butt-kicking giant woman named…ugh…”Ginormica.” Really? You know, they could’ve just went with “Gi-Norma” or something. Beyond this grrl power stuff, the rest of the cast is two dimensional. Susan’s supposed to be part of a team, but they end up being sidelined, much like how all the X-Men were pretty much guests in their own trilogy while Wolverine was the star.

There are a few good ideas in this movie, but it’s like the producers didn’t put enough time or thought into them. Or maybe more development time or even other authors should’ve been put into the script. Try as I might to like Monsters vs Aliens, everything was far too obvious and predictable to keep me remotely interested. Just pumping a movie with verbal winks to the audience, as if to say “Hey, we’re intentionally goofing off” does not make a bad movie acceptable.

Susan versus generic alien baddie #5067.

I’m giving Monsters vs Aliens a big, fat ‘pass.’ Don’t even rent it. If you have young children, they might like the antics of B.O.B. Then again, they might also like Sesame Street, which is free.